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Some Questions
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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Matter of Fact
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Sweet Cheeks
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told her husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
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Old is gold
Two elderly women were out for a Sunday drive in a large car and both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light".
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through, and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"
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Memory banks
Three Old Ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. " The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have any such problem." Then she raps her knuckles on the table, and says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."
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Poor prayer
Mrs. Cohen came home from her Sisterhood meeting at the synagogue. She was very excited, and explained to her husband that the guest at the meeting had been a wonderful hypnotist. Mr. Cohen then mentioned that attendance was down at the Saturday services. Maybe they should hire the hypnotist to bring in a crowd. He talked it over with the rabbi, who thought it was a terrific idea. After lots of publicizing, the synagogue was filled for the Sabbath service. The hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. As the crowd observed, mesmerized, the hypnotist began, "Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch." The congregants carefully observed, their eyes following the sway of the watch. "Vatch the vatch," the hypnotist continued. Then, accidentally, the watch fell out of his hand. "Shit!" he cried. Took them three weeks to clean up the synagogue...
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Mind Your Language
This exchange was between an English-speaking traveler and a member of the hotel staff in a Far East Hotel
(for the full effect, read the joke aloud):
Room Service:
Morny. Rune-sore-bees.
Hotel Guest:
Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.
Room Service:
Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?
Hotel Guest:
Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.
Room Service:
Ow July den?
Hotel Guest:
What?
Room Service:
Aches. Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch...?
Hotel Guest:
Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.
Room Service:
Ow July dee baycome? Crease?
Hotel Guest:
Crisp will be fine.
Room Service:
Hokay. An Santos?
Hotel Guest:
What?
Room Service:
Santos. July Santos?
Hotel Guest:
Ugh. I don't know... I don't think so.
Room Service:
No. Judo one toes?
Hotel Guest:
Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means. I'm sorry.
Room Service:
Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we bother?
Hotel Guest:
English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.
Room Service:
We bother?
Hotel Guest:
No. Just put the bother on the side.
Room Service:
Wad?
Hotel Guest:
I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
Room Service:
Copy?
Hotel Guest:
I feel terrible about this but...
Room Service:
Copy. Copy, tea, mill...
Hotel Guest:
Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.
Room Service:
One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?
Hotel Guest:
Whatever you say.
Room Service:
Hokay. Tendjewberrymud.
Hotel Guest:
You're welcome.
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Blonde's 'bombshell'
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband: "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered," and had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, It's a Ferrari..."
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Quotes from The Simpsons
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